One Year Surgiversary

I've been thinking a lot about this post, because it blows my mind that it's been a year -- partly because it feels like it's still so recent, and I'm still working and struggling and changing, and partly because a voice in my head says "Only a year??"

I'll start with photos!

 March 2010:



April 2010:



July 2010:



In October 2010:



December 2010 (at my wedding):



Today (March 29 2011):
Front-

Side -

Back -


And two sucking in (hehe)






I am pretty good about taking my vitamins -- I've found my patterns, my niches, and I like the GummiVites multivitamins from Target.  I take two in the morning and the afternoon, with my Caltrate Maximum.  I take 150mg Poly-Iron at night, before I go to bed.

I still don't eat enough protein, so I'm still taking a protein supplement that gives me 42g of protein in a little shot -- the Protein Bullet, which I mix with tea to dilute the flavor, which is pretty strong.  I was never able to stomach powdered protein supplements, like many of you, and these little bullets, recommended to me by someone here were quite the lifesaver.

I can drink a little bit, but I get drunk quite easily. I'm aware of what the rules are, so I know when I'm breaking them and don't need to be told. I do tend to stick pretty rigorously to the "no drinking 1.5 hours after eating" rule, and I don't usually feel like I consume that much during the day. I probably hover around 1000-1300 calories in a day right now.  

I do a lot more exercise than I did previously, but not as much as I want to do. I do research in the jungle and so I walk a lot when I'm there, but swimming remains my favorite type of aerobic activity.  I'm joining a friend to do open water swims when I get back to the USA.

I do have a bunch of lose skin, most notably around my thighs and abdomen, but I've gotten sort of funny excess-skin wrinkles like an old lady on my neck.  I think if I contemplate any plastic surgery, though, it'll be brachioplasty because the excess skin on my arms is a bit insane! My arms were always one of the fattest parts of me, though.

The surgery has absolutely made weight loss, as a concept, easier for me, but it hasn't made food any easier for me. I still struggle regularly with how much I SHOULD be eating and what kinds of food.  I tend to eat small quantities of a vast variety of things, but harbor serious trepidation about certain new foods.  I still throw up sometimes, but not as often as I used to (I had serious problems with the size of my anastoma right after surgery).

Regardless, I do feel like a much smaller person.  I went from wearing a 22 on bottom to wearing a 12.  I feel sexy, and I can even buy clothes from trendy designers like Free People.  I don't need to go to specialty stores to buy pants, and the last corset I bought for a fetish event was a medium and my waist was SO SMALL.  I wear things I would never have worn previously, and my confidence is much better, even if I still feel like a Big Person™.

My bubbies are so small now! I had to buy all new bras, and they're sort of sad and flat.  That's been something weird to get used to.  I was always buxom when I was heavier.

I have barely told anyone I know about the surgery. It's really hard to hide how little I am eating at public events, and I have created this whole system to make it less noticeable.  I got some flack at a dinner party this past Sunday in Kinshasa where I'm living right now because I wasn't continually eating the vast quantity of food that everyone else was.  This kind of attention I dread, and go out of my way to avoid it!

I remain really happy with my choice to have the surgery. I gave my first scientific presentation in Kyoto this past September and I really felt good about the way I carried myself, and my confidence helped me network with colleagues and is helping my future research a lot.

100+ pounds down, only 30 pounds to go!

I never post

It's been pointed out to me that I never post to this blog anymore, and it's true.  I constantly have things to post about but my schedule has been such that I never sit down and just write them down.  So now...it's time.

I'm officially at 205 pounds this morning.  For those keeping track, that's 75 pounds less than I was a little less than 6 months ago.  Is that amazing?  FUCK YES.  Has it been easy?  HELL NO.

I think one of the reasons that I'm still reluctant to tell people about the surgery is that I feel like their automatic assumption is that I lost weight "easily."  Sure, it dropped fasted than it might have ordinarily, but the fact is, I still throw up and get sick all the time.


I've been planning my wedding for a while now too, and now that it's coming down to the food and drink, I'm ever more aware how terrified I've become of new foods.  If I haven't eaten it before, there's an automatic trepidation about what it will result in -- happy tummy, or sad, dumping Laura?  It's a Pavlovian response that I wanted... it's the reason that I opted for the Roux-en-Y instead of the Vertical Sleeve.  Not having a duodenum and not being able to tolerate food are good reasons to eat less, even after my pouch isn't quite as small.


Yesterday I ate some crackers from the vending machine at work in a pinch, and though they weren't super fatty and didn't have too much sugar, I started dumping... at work.  It was awful, feeling nauseated, dizzy, tired, and having no place to lie down and no ability to ameliorate the situation except just grinning and bearing it.  It IS sort of awful to be so utterly out of control, not know why you're sick in the first place, and to be unable to know when or where it will strike.


I went to Japan last week and I ended up eating almost nothing at all because I was so afraid of aberrant reactions to food. I ended up eating a lot of french fries and tomato salad! 


My um, bowel time is also often very difficult.  It tends to be very green, very big, and very uh... sticky.  It's rare that it won't scuff a toilet bowl, and when I was in Japan, fuck that was tough.  There was a floor toilet, and it was SO messy, and I was in there trying to clean up, cursing low Japanese water pressure, and all the while, some Japanese woman was outside the door of the bathroom going  "Hi? Hi? Hi?" and shaking the handle.


Those are the bad things.


The GOOD things are that I am NEARLY in "ONEderland" as the WLSers call it, with only five pounds to go!  I haven't weighed less than 200 pounds since I was like... 17? 16?  Over ten years!  Which is amazing!


I've also been shopping, even though I promised myself I would wait until I got closer to my goal weight to do it.  It became sort of necessary when my current clothes were just laughably big, too, so I suppose I can pretend that I'm not just a spendthrift and deny my absolute addiction to Express now that I can actually GO there.

Funnily, I'm not all that different size-wise.  Yes, I am now wearing size 16, sometimes size 14 pants comfortably, down from a 22.  But I still can't quite buy pants at say, H&M or Express.  Funnily too, I'm still a Large blouse even though I can't even remember wearing bigger than an XL.

I definitely like how I look in clothes a lot better, and I can wear heels for longer, and I got a lot of compliments when I was all gussied up at my friend's wedding this past Sunday.  My dress from David' Bridal had originally been ordered as an 18, I think, and they had to bring it down "more than 2 sizes".  It looked good even from afar, though my bat wing arms are still an issue.

In fact, I still can't wear a lot of fitted blouses in regular stores because my arms won't fit into them.  I'm considering brachioplasty, but honestly, not yet.


I am actually feeling skinnier, and noticing new kinds of people paying attention to me.  I'm not sure that I'm automatically thought of as "fat" anymore when I'm walking down the street, either, though I can't really be sure.  


So far, I'm happy and existing for the most part on routine.  I'm still drinking my protein bullet daily, giving me 42g of protein, and then having the Starbucks Fruit, Nut & Cheese plate at 19g of protein.  I literally consume these things every day which also makes living by the seat of my pants, and travel, a bit difficult.

The thing I'm the most not used to is my size -- I walk by the store Avenue on my way to work every day, and I realized today: there's nothing for me in there.

Not my Face

The feeling is still surreal, and I'm still not sure when I look in the mirror that I am looking at my own face.  Every fat girl has a layer of denial when she looks in the mirror in general.  A way of angling the face in the proper light to hide the double chin while applying foundation; it's the same manipulation used in posed photographs.  The tricks we use to make ourselves look "normal."

I remember dismay at seeing photographs that were unanticipated... shots caught unaware that were lacking any tricks, revealing my double chin and squinty eyes in all their fatty glory.  I chalked these pictures up to "bad photography" and moved on.

But I did secretly know that they were more accurate, and, in my inner mental image of myself, these images lingered like little pesky secrets.

These are secrets that I miss.  More and more, I'm having to double-take when catching my reflection in side car mirrors and reflective phone screens.  My face, an obvious constant in my life, seems, at least to me, more than subtly different.  My double chin seems missing in most shots, and I find that I am more comforted when I see it than when it's absent.  It compounds my awkwardness with what I perceive to be a "new me," not quite familiar but not really a stranger.

Will it only get worse as I continue to lose?

OMG! 219!

I thought that maybe the scale was off-balance this morning, but Noooooo!  I straightened it out and I am indeed under 220 pounds!!

220 was one of my self-imposed goals because it signifies not only the charade of my weight -- my driver's license has claimed I was 220 even though it wasn't true when the license was issued and certainly wasn't true afterward!

I was only ever 220 after over a year of living in Uganda, swimming every day, and imbibing most of my daily calories in cheap beer.  I know 200 is the big one for most people, but for me, getting bigger than 220 was the Fat Zone.  I felt sexy at 180.  Even at 200 I didn't look it, but creeping up past 220 began to really show.

So, now I am ecstatic!  I am dancing around, which only guarantees the burning of more calories.  

Slowly But Surely

I feel like I've been stalling a bit, and I have 220 in mind as a goal as much as I had 250 targeted last month.  Or was it the month before?  I guess I should be troubled that I don't even know!

I'm down to 221 as of this morning, so I've only got a LEETLE way to go to reach this goal, but the pounds certainly aren't coming off as quickly as they once were.  I get little echoes of hunger now and then too, but I'm more aware of my crankiness and blood sugar dropping than from actual emptiness of my tiny pouch.

I worry a little too because I can consume more -- yesterday I ate 1200 calories, and even though I'd worked out and been active, it was a bit worrying!! For dinner I was even able to eat all 6 of my avocado rolls (which had disturbingly NO protein) and some of my thai veggie dumplings, mostly because all were soft and easy to chew/swallow, and therefore easy to eat.

Despite feeling like I've been hovering in the 220s for the last month (literally), everyone is telling me that I look thinner and smaller, so maybe I am just readjusting.  I have been going to the gym at least twice a week, and I do feel a lot more active and peppy and motivated. 

But the struggle continues.  I do feel like I'm not "doing things right" or else it would be better reflected in my weight loss.  I do have an appointment with my surgeon next week, and I'll be pleased to tell him this time that I am GETTING my protein and taking all my vitamins!  I am still eating out at nearly every meal, but that is really more my lifestyle than some surreptitious lack of adherence to the rules.

I hope too that my newfound commitment will be reflected in my blood results, because I know my last ones are just going to be a disaster.  I still feel somehow like I've booched and that I'm not losing as fast as I'm supposed to be, but I just have to continue and keep going forward.  We'll see what happens!

New Beginnings in Size 16

Killian knows I've been taking all my vitamins every day now

So, there is nothing quite like being chastised by a man wearing a surgical cap.  And my doctor really did give me the hairy eyeball when I saw him last week.  I'd been eating mostly soup and soft foods, and not getting all of my vitamins, and basically being a chicken about putting things into my pouch.

Add in that my hair comes out in fistfuls because of my protein deficiency and I'm not being a good patient.  A lot of time surgeons are loathe to operate on "smart" people because they believe they've read all the literature and know everything and know better than the surgeon's instructions. 

How ashamed am I to admit that I have, essentially, been one of those people.  And in my own standard way, I refuse to complain about things over which I have control.  If I don't want to stall in my weight loss, and be tired and bald and vitamin deficient, then I need to change my damned attitude.

For the last week+, I have had a 42g Protein Bullet every day and taken ALL my vitamins.  That's two rounds (separated by several hours) of Multivitamin + Calcium Citrate, a Prilosec and a Polyiron.  I am actually seeing a difference in my energy levels, though my hair loss still feels pretty constant.

I am not dropping weight as fast as I did, but I am going to the gym and at least feeling like I am in control.  Which feels good.

I have also been doing something I promised myself I wouldn't: shopping.  I will be changing sizes so frequently it doesn't make sense, but I really needed new jeans since all of my current pairs just hang off me limply.  And while I was picking some out, I had a revelation.  I am a size 16 now.  I haven't fit into a 16 in probably 10 years, the closest being 2002 when I wore an 18.

Dresses, sure.  But jeans, never.  I am pear-shaped and needed the give down below.  But these jeans are a 16, and fit like a dream:

And that makes me feel great!!

Gah

I had a bit of a scary experience last night -- I needed only about 20g of protein for the day and Adam went out and got some sliced turkey from the bodega.

I only ate about 2 slices when I felt extremely queasy and sleepy.  And then ... well, I don't remember anything after that.

The next thing I remember is waking up with a ghastly wheeze, unable to breathe, followed by a 5 minute fit of coughing that resulted in spontaneous vomiting. 


Adam says that I passed out after the turkey eating, and I think I couldn't breathe because I was literally  choking on vomit.  I'm not really pleased about it, but I've managed to keep all my meals down thus far.

No more sliced turkey for me!!