Bad Habits

Spending time at my mother's new home in Ohio is illuminating with regard to my eating habits. I hid downstairs this morning, eating Ginger Chewy cookies and drinking soda. We had Arby's for lunch - I had french fries and jalapeño poppers to supplement my breakfast of cookies. She wanted to go to Dairy Queen afterwards, but I declined.

What's funny too is that my mother has a fierce sense of competition with me regarding weight. Anytime I see her, she constantly comments on my appearance, whether or not I've gained or lost weight. Actually, come to think of it, she only comments when I've lost weight. Like she's trying to validate my statements. When I came here this year for Christmas, and told her I'd gained weight, she just said "Oh." because, having lost 18 pounds, she's feeling like she's won.

...Or at least that's my interpretation of it.

Additionally, the eating habits she perpetuates aren't so great. Tonight, we went to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet where not only were there no vegetarian options (aside from string beans) but no real healthy options. These kinds of food are standard for my mother's lifestyle. I will have to plan ahead for the next time that I am here to ensure that I can find an appropriate food substitute.

I should examine too why it is that I tend to eat so poorly here. Of course there were other options for breakfast -- healthier options!! -- but instead I sat hidden, shameful in the basement, eating cookies!!

Danger Foods

I've never been one of those people who eats regular meals. It again most likely stems from what I'm used to, but I've always been a forager.

Of course, the problem being that when I forage, I eat too much, and the wrong foods.

Soy milk is deceptive. People think it's healthy, because it's soy. I've also read contradicting reports on whether or not dairy is good for you and your diet, or bad. According to webmd, dairy makes it easier for you to lose weight, but I've always found that I *gained* weight when I ate an excess of cheese. I'm not lactose intolerant, but some spilloff of anti/non-vegan products still corrupts my shopping proclivities.

I ponder this especially because when I go Raw again, it is a very strict vegan diet, without any dairy at all. Will this slow my weight loss? I'm not sure as of yet. I do know that I'll miss cheese.

Welcoming

For the year 2008, I've decided that I am tired of being fat. It's just the end of it. There's been a lifetime of fattitude.

Even as a child, I was fat. My parents were fat. We used to eat Chinese food for dinner most nights at 10 pm, when my mother got home from work. My mother didn't know how to cook, and we had a small, mostly-unusable kitchen.

I do have fond memories of sitting with my father, watching the A-Team while we ate pepperoni from the stick.

So one can say quite handily that my lessons about eating from an early age were bad. I've continued the pattern, tending more often than not to eat out at restaurants, eat when I wasn't hungry, eat more than I was hungry for, cleaned my plate when it wasn't necessary and generally developed the worst eating habits imaginable.

Additionally, I've become accustomed to eating when I was upset. Spiting myself for feeling bad, and eating especially bad food when I'm sad.



The easiest time I had with my weight was when I lived in Uganda. I had nothing but fresh foods, walked almost everywhere and always spent time outdoors breathing fresh air.

To say that moving back to New York has been a change of pace would be an understatement. Despite my efforts when I first came back to walk often, I've reverted to my old bad habits of ordering in, being relatively immobile, taking lots of taxis and gaining weight.

I'm determined not to let this slope be slippery. Last year, I spent several months eating nothing but Raw Food, that is, food that has not been warmed to above 118ºF. I really enjoyed the feeling of energy it gave me, but I also felt empowered by its restrictiveness.

This coming year, I plan to restart the Raw Food Diet again and supplement it with a new fitness regime.

Starting on January 1st, it will be a battle of willpower as I try to combat my lifelong love of food with a newer, better approach towards food and eating and exercise. My goal is to lose about 5 pounds every month for the next year and ideally lose about 60 pounds.

More importantly, I want to feel better about myself. I no longer want to feel anxiety about the way I look. I'm not a typically obese girl; I enjoy shopping immensely and don't feel ashamed, but I am self-conscious of how other's perceive me.

I hope to blog daily about what I'm eating, the hurdles I'm facing and my workout schedule. I'm keeping this blog separate from my personal blog, because I don't need any sort of reaffirmation from my friends. I'm keeping this blog for myself.

And with that, the year begins.