OMG! 219!

I thought that maybe the scale was off-balance this morning, but Noooooo!  I straightened it out and I am indeed under 220 pounds!!

220 was one of my self-imposed goals because it signifies not only the charade of my weight -- my driver's license has claimed I was 220 even though it wasn't true when the license was issued and certainly wasn't true afterward!

I was only ever 220 after over a year of living in Uganda, swimming every day, and imbibing most of my daily calories in cheap beer.  I know 200 is the big one for most people, but for me, getting bigger than 220 was the Fat Zone.  I felt sexy at 180.  Even at 200 I didn't look it, but creeping up past 220 began to really show.

So, now I am ecstatic!  I am dancing around, which only guarantees the burning of more calories.  

Slowly But Surely

I feel like I've been stalling a bit, and I have 220 in mind as a goal as much as I had 250 targeted last month.  Or was it the month before?  I guess I should be troubled that I don't even know!

I'm down to 221 as of this morning, so I've only got a LEETLE way to go to reach this goal, but the pounds certainly aren't coming off as quickly as they once were.  I get little echoes of hunger now and then too, but I'm more aware of my crankiness and blood sugar dropping than from actual emptiness of my tiny pouch.

I worry a little too because I can consume more -- yesterday I ate 1200 calories, and even though I'd worked out and been active, it was a bit worrying!! For dinner I was even able to eat all 6 of my avocado rolls (which had disturbingly NO protein) and some of my thai veggie dumplings, mostly because all were soft and easy to chew/swallow, and therefore easy to eat.

Despite feeling like I've been hovering in the 220s for the last month (literally), everyone is telling me that I look thinner and smaller, so maybe I am just readjusting.  I have been going to the gym at least twice a week, and I do feel a lot more active and peppy and motivated. 

But the struggle continues.  I do feel like I'm not "doing things right" or else it would be better reflected in my weight loss.  I do have an appointment with my surgeon next week, and I'll be pleased to tell him this time that I am GETTING my protein and taking all my vitamins!  I am still eating out at nearly every meal, but that is really more my lifestyle than some surreptitious lack of adherence to the rules.

I hope too that my newfound commitment will be reflected in my blood results, because I know my last ones are just going to be a disaster.  I still feel somehow like I've booched and that I'm not losing as fast as I'm supposed to be, but I just have to continue and keep going forward.  We'll see what happens!

New Beginnings in Size 16

Killian knows I've been taking all my vitamins every day now

So, there is nothing quite like being chastised by a man wearing a surgical cap.  And my doctor really did give me the hairy eyeball when I saw him last week.  I'd been eating mostly soup and soft foods, and not getting all of my vitamins, and basically being a chicken about putting things into my pouch.

Add in that my hair comes out in fistfuls because of my protein deficiency and I'm not being a good patient.  A lot of time surgeons are loathe to operate on "smart" people because they believe they've read all the literature and know everything and know better than the surgeon's instructions. 

How ashamed am I to admit that I have, essentially, been one of those people.  And in my own standard way, I refuse to complain about things over which I have control.  If I don't want to stall in my weight loss, and be tired and bald and vitamin deficient, then I need to change my damned attitude.

For the last week+, I have had a 42g Protein Bullet every day and taken ALL my vitamins.  That's two rounds (separated by several hours) of Multivitamin + Calcium Citrate, a Prilosec and a Polyiron.  I am actually seeing a difference in my energy levels, though my hair loss still feels pretty constant.

I am not dropping weight as fast as I did, but I am going to the gym and at least feeling like I am in control.  Which feels good.

I have also been doing something I promised myself I wouldn't: shopping.  I will be changing sizes so frequently it doesn't make sense, but I really needed new jeans since all of my current pairs just hang off me limply.  And while I was picking some out, I had a revelation.  I am a size 16 now.  I haven't fit into a 16 in probably 10 years, the closest being 2002 when I wore an 18.

Dresses, sure.  But jeans, never.  I am pear-shaped and needed the give down below.  But these jeans are a 16, and fit like a dream:

And that makes me feel great!!

Gah

I had a bit of a scary experience last night -- I needed only about 20g of protein for the day and Adam went out and got some sliced turkey from the bodega.

I only ate about 2 slices when I felt extremely queasy and sleepy.  And then ... well, I don't remember anything after that.

The next thing I remember is waking up with a ghastly wheeze, unable to breathe, followed by a 5 minute fit of coughing that resulted in spontaneous vomiting. 


Adam says that I passed out after the turkey eating, and I think I couldn't breathe because I was literally  choking on vomit.  I'm not really pleased about it, but I've managed to keep all my meals down thus far.

No more sliced turkey for me!!

3 Month Review

End of March 2010

Three months ago I looked like this.
I wasn't unhappy with myself, but I was unhappy with my physical appearance.  I was unhappy with the food choices I made, and not only inflicted on myself but on my fiancé.  I didn't think much about eating.  I just did it, freely, easily, when I was sad, when I was happy, and found a lot of joy and routine in it.

End of April 2010

This was me two months ago.  I threw up a lot, questioned myself constantly, and consistently failed to meet my diet and exercise goals.  The stress of trying to recover AND finish all of my schoolwork in my last semester nearly killed me.  I had very little energy, and ate even less than that.

This photo is me as of this morning.  3 months since I had a surgery that changed my life, and not in the cheesy Hallmark way.  My life is different in so many more aspects than eating right now.

Pros
*I have a LOT more energy.
*Especially in the bedroom
*I started working out last week and actually felt good at the gym, my hair swaying back and forth as I ran on the treadmill.
*I feel better in my clothing, and I was definitely more confident when I interviewed for a job this week
*People tell me I look thinner
*Eating all the time isn't on my mind. I like having more autonomy from food

Cons
*Keeping up with the vitamins, protein, etc is hard
*Going out to eat is HARD, especially now that I'm not supposed to have soups and soft foods. Probably moot since my surgeon discourages it anyway
*My hair is totally, completely falling out.  I wish I could say that I'm okay with it because I can just eat more protein and I'm in control, but as a woman, it is totally stressing me out.  Which I'm sure isn't helping.
*I don't have a new food routine yet.  I had been comfortable with soft and pureed foods for the last three months, but my surgeon is really upset with me for not transitioning to "real" food.  He actually said to me:

You are eating like a baby.  Maybe it is time to grow up!!

Gah! I'm feeling incredibly uncertain, and yes, because I'm "behind" in my weight loss (because though 50+ pounds in 3 months is amazing, for WLS patients, it's pretty slow), I do feel like I'm fucking up and not quite doing right and failing myself.

Yesterday, after having seen my doctor, I resolved to get back on the sticktoitiveness wagon.  Back not "trying" to take my vitamins and get in my protein but actually DOING it.  I can't promise I'll be cooking at home, but when I eat out I'll be ordering fish instead of soup.

If I can do that, then perhaps I can feel a little less crazy, lose a little less hair, and lose a lot more weight.

I'll update again soon with more detail, but I needed to at least get the basics out.

Here is the link to my last set of progress photos

Side view, not sucking in

Side view, sucking it in!

This photo shows me the biggest difference.  Where is my back fat?!