Keeping Up

You know when you have a blog entry that you want to write, so you open up a window, and think about it and ponder it, and then just don't write it?  That's been me, and every once in a while I'll switch over to the tab, and remember that I have things that I want to say, but realize that it's just a LOT and I get overwhelmed and switch away from the tab again.  So here I am, on a snow-filled New York City evening, taking the time to quickly chronicle my journey with weight loss surgery up to this point.

I'm just that much closer to getting insurance approval, firstly.  I had my abdominal ultrasound two weeks ago, to check and make sure my liver wasn't huge since it'd be a real impediment to surgery.  Aside from being incredibly early in the morning, it wasn't that bad. They use warm gel, and just take a lot of photos. 

The more difficult thing was my psychological evaluation.  There was a bit of a lengthy online questionnaire, but the more difficult part was the 2 hour consultation with the psychologist.  I always find that it's difficult to open up, and to be expected to tell someone who is a relative stranger all of your secrets is a lot to ask of anyone.

What was difficult especially was the real attention to paid to the causes of my weight gain.  Sure,  I might sometimes be compulsive, but I am apparently a binge eater.  I couldn't deny it, but certainly hearing it makes me worry for my future after surgery.  It's something I've since been eyeballing ... how much I eat in a sitting, how far past hunger I am when I continue to eat. 

They're all things that I need to expound on, but for now, sleep.

Food Grief

I might have started last week well, but some outside circumstances seem to have derailed me already.  I'm hoping to lose 8 pounds by March, and at this rate, I'll never make it!

I'm examining my food choices carefully, but at this point it's more to document them rather than change them.  Between the first chapter of my thesis being due last Friday, and the countless edits to a journal article I'm collaborating on, and a houseguest, I really just ate LIKE a PIG.  Stress makes me eat.  Not hungry, just eating.

And the grief I've been feeling over the death of two people close to me is manifesting in what I perceive to be comfort food: cheesy, sandwich/burger-type warm happy foods. 

These aren't foods that I will malabsorb later, like sugars, so despite my stomach being smaller after surgery I will have to address these eating habits.  Fifteen years out, there is an alleged 80% recidivism rate in WLS patients, and while that includes lots of people who weren't as serious before the surgery as I am now, it also includes people who succeed the first two years and fell back into their old eating habits once their stomachs stretched. 

Grief is definitely something that pushes me towards food comfort.  My motivation to work out and eat right is hampered by emotions, and I'm sure the lack of noticeable results.  While I will have results after the surgery, it is still so important for me to address emotional eating if I want to have long-term success.  How important is it to me, to have food to comfort myself?  What are my alternatives?  It will have to be my job in the next few months to find some.