I never post

It's been pointed out to me that I never post to this blog anymore, and it's true.  I constantly have things to post about but my schedule has been such that I never sit down and just write them down.  So now...it's time.

I'm officially at 205 pounds this morning.  For those keeping track, that's 75 pounds less than I was a little less than 6 months ago.  Is that amazing?  FUCK YES.  Has it been easy?  HELL NO.

I think one of the reasons that I'm still reluctant to tell people about the surgery is that I feel like their automatic assumption is that I lost weight "easily."  Sure, it dropped fasted than it might have ordinarily, but the fact is, I still throw up and get sick all the time.


I've been planning my wedding for a while now too, and now that it's coming down to the food and drink, I'm ever more aware how terrified I've become of new foods.  If I haven't eaten it before, there's an automatic trepidation about what it will result in -- happy tummy, or sad, dumping Laura?  It's a Pavlovian response that I wanted... it's the reason that I opted for the Roux-en-Y instead of the Vertical Sleeve.  Not having a duodenum and not being able to tolerate food are good reasons to eat less, even after my pouch isn't quite as small.


Yesterday I ate some crackers from the vending machine at work in a pinch, and though they weren't super fatty and didn't have too much sugar, I started dumping... at work.  It was awful, feeling nauseated, dizzy, tired, and having no place to lie down and no ability to ameliorate the situation except just grinning and bearing it.  It IS sort of awful to be so utterly out of control, not know why you're sick in the first place, and to be unable to know when or where it will strike.


I went to Japan last week and I ended up eating almost nothing at all because I was so afraid of aberrant reactions to food. I ended up eating a lot of french fries and tomato salad! 


My um, bowel time is also often very difficult.  It tends to be very green, very big, and very uh... sticky.  It's rare that it won't scuff a toilet bowl, and when I was in Japan, fuck that was tough.  There was a floor toilet, and it was SO messy, and I was in there trying to clean up, cursing low Japanese water pressure, and all the while, some Japanese woman was outside the door of the bathroom going  "Hi? Hi? Hi?" and shaking the handle.


Those are the bad things.


The GOOD things are that I am NEARLY in "ONEderland" as the WLSers call it, with only five pounds to go!  I haven't weighed less than 200 pounds since I was like... 17? 16?  Over ten years!  Which is amazing!


I've also been shopping, even though I promised myself I would wait until I got closer to my goal weight to do it.  It became sort of necessary when my current clothes were just laughably big, too, so I suppose I can pretend that I'm not just a spendthrift and deny my absolute addiction to Express now that I can actually GO there.

Funnily, I'm not all that different size-wise.  Yes, I am now wearing size 16, sometimes size 14 pants comfortably, down from a 22.  But I still can't quite buy pants at say, H&M or Express.  Funnily too, I'm still a Large blouse even though I can't even remember wearing bigger than an XL.

I definitely like how I look in clothes a lot better, and I can wear heels for longer, and I got a lot of compliments when I was all gussied up at my friend's wedding this past Sunday.  My dress from David' Bridal had originally been ordered as an 18, I think, and they had to bring it down "more than 2 sizes".  It looked good even from afar, though my bat wing arms are still an issue.

In fact, I still can't wear a lot of fitted blouses in regular stores because my arms won't fit into them.  I'm considering brachioplasty, but honestly, not yet.


I am actually feeling skinnier, and noticing new kinds of people paying attention to me.  I'm not sure that I'm automatically thought of as "fat" anymore when I'm walking down the street, either, though I can't really be sure.  


So far, I'm happy and existing for the most part on routine.  I'm still drinking my protein bullet daily, giving me 42g of protein, and then having the Starbucks Fruit, Nut & Cheese plate at 19g of protein.  I literally consume these things every day which also makes living by the seat of my pants, and travel, a bit difficult.

The thing I'm the most not used to is my size -- I walk by the store Avenue on my way to work every day, and I realized today: there's nothing for me in there.