What is the cost of thin?

My surgery date is scheduled for Monday, March 29th, which is currently less than 2 days away.  Sitting at home today, I can't help but think about the repercussions, not only to my body, but to my life.

What do you see when you look into the mirror?  What is it that defines you?  Is it your hair, your face, your body?  Certain things are so easy to take for granted.

Most pressing in my brain -- how much does what you look like on the outside impact how you are on the inside?  I've enjoyed the periphery awarded me from never being traditionally attractive or thin.  There's a cheesy South Park episode about people who aren't perceived as "attractive" building better character, but I can't say that for me, it didn't.

It did present me with some elements of loneliness, and frustration from rejection, but at the same time, I was better able to slowly become comfortable with myself and find my strengths without just relying on my looks.  I'm not what I've viewed as the typical fat girl.  I don't let myself become couched in shame.  I wear what I want to wear.  I am fat and sassy.

But fat isn't the new black.  It may be more "popular" in that more people ARE fat, but if anything, it's become more acceptable to penalize the fat because no other groups are allowed to be ostracized anymore.  It's simultaneously subtle and not -- think of all of the television shows, or movies, where the fatness IS the joke.  "Ha ha, her panties are big."  "Hahaha.  He eats a lot."   Should it be such a surprise that the world is saved by a Big Fat Panda?  There shouldn't be anything we can't do.

I'm not the fat girl whose never been able to fly because she can't fit in the seat.  I can actually buy certain clothes in regular stores, though it is sometimes a bit of a squeeze.  There has never been an occasion where my weight has impeded me.  I take pride in that.  I also realize that I've been very lucky.  I can wear rings, necklaces, bracelets.  These are some things that others can't do.

It's for these reasons that I've rallied, independently, against this overbearing social construct that Fat is Bad/Unhealthy.  Fat doesn't automatically equal diabetes.  Or high blood pressure.  Or high cholesterol.  As a fat person with none of these things, I felt strong as an exception to the rule. 

As I sit, pondering what this will mean for the rest of my life.  Even moreso, what my having surgery means as a reflection on fathood.  By having surgery, am I acknowledging that my weight is something wrong that needs to be fixed? 

And, if it doesn't, what exactly am I giving up to obtain the "ideal" of thin?  What do you see in the mirror?  I see my face, my eyes, and my hair.  How will these things change?

My hair is one of my favorite things; wild and red, it's as much a defining characteristic of me as my weight to outsiders.  After WLS surgery, it's quite common to lose hair.  How much depends a lot on my protein intake, but it has to be a consequence I'm comfortable with.  I might still be me without my big ass, but am I still me without my big hair?

My face will change too -- though I can't imagine looking worse with a thinner face.

The most important change that I worry about is to my innards.  Because, more than anything else, despite being fat, I am really, really happy.  I used to resent people saying that I "look happy" because I presumed it to be some sort of subtle dig at my weight - FAT PEOPLE ARE JOLLY!!  But I am happy.   I love my friends.  They love me, regardless of size.  There are elements of everyone's lives that aren't perfect, but really, day-to-day, I can only wait for the next smile or hint of excitement.

Adam is my greatest source of joy, and we've developed a comfort and rapport and intense trust that I don't want to change. 

I'm on a precipice.  With any large change, there is always a compromise.  I will never be able to eat certain foods again.  Liquor is pretty much out of the question if I want to stay healthy and keep the weight off.  These pieces of my daily data set will have to change, and it is totally natural as a result that certain relationships -- with friends, with food, with Adam -- will have to change too. 

Attention must be paid.  This surgery isn't just about being thinner.  Good and bad, I must accept that it is a whole life change.  I can only hope that, at the end of a day, or a year, or my life, that I can say it was worth it.