Nearly 2 Months Out!

My stomach is super swollen from vomiting

Well, at nearly two months out, I have to admit that I am finally starting to feel thinner, but my health and routine are still questionable.  I don't get all my vitamins in every day, or meet my protein quota, but the doctor's office was still worried about the fact that I was regularly throwing up.  So... they decided to do an endoscopy,  which involves sticking a camera down my gullet and peeking at my insides.

The endoscopy itself had relatively unpleasant prep -- I had to drink some clear numbing jell-o that had an AWFUL taste and even worse aftertaste, and for someone who is vomiting daily, the urge to vomit when something is gross and you're gagging is even tougher!! It didn't help either that it was followed up with a throat-numbing spray that was also bitter and awful, so starting a procedure that involves NOT gagging with excessive gagging and choking isn't the best. 

My stomach! Tiny and wild

But once they got the camera down me and the screen was up, I got so curious by the sight of my insides that I stopped caring about the huge tube shoved down my throat.  How interesting it was, too!  We discovered that I didn't have a stricture, thankfully. But my anastomosis, the hole between my teeny stomach and my intestines, is definitely a little tight.  It is currently only 8mm wide, which is about the width of a pen! Very small, so if I don't chew well enough or eat something too difficult or fibrous, it gets stuck, and BLLEEUUP! It all comes up!

My surgeon himself did the procedure, which was really nice because he's a busy man and it's difficult to get a lot of face time with him usually.  But afterward,  I did get a chance to talk to him about my concerns, and update him personally, which was really nice. 

Funnily, though my insides revolt against me and I am really barely eating at all, I'm feeling really good and actually smaller and more petite.  There was a point when I was first under 250 (over which is what I consider "fat" for me) that my brain just lit up and was like "Ooo! Thinner!!"  I'm noticing increased flexibility, like when I curl up on the couch.  Adam says the most noticeable difference is "in my neck" -- and seeing this random iPhone photo he took of me in Harris Teeter (while we were on vacation in NC) and I can actually see it.  But in this photo of me on the beach, while my face and neck look thinner, I look at that extended arm and I just cringe at the hideousness that is my arm fat.    But I never expected to end up with perfection, and I'd imagine that there will always be something for me to harp on and find to be unacceptable.  Isn't that just part of being a girl?

My neck does look SORT of skinny here

I felt happy with this, until I saw my arm on the left

Comfortable kayaking

On our vacation I did feel more comfortable.  I actually wore some little sweatshorts OUTSIDE the HOUSE and didn't feel like a monstrous creation.  I never had an issue with doing activities like some other heavy people, but I did feel less self-conscious when we went kayaking.  I got into and out of the kayak myself without trouble or embarrassment, and if you see from the picture, my side of the canoe isn't the more sunken (though I do still weigh slightly more than he does). 

More comfortable but still flabby

I'm down over 35 pounds now, but I do still feel like a bit of a fraud.  Finding things to eat is SO difficult, and every time I try something new so that I can mix it up and stave off boredom, I really end up the worse for it.  On vacation, I did manage to head to the grocery store and get some great freshly-made soups that I'd eat a cup of for each meal.

But when I can't plan ahead, I really just fail.  I got a grilled cheese sandwich at Five Guys, since I can have cheese and toast just fine, but MAN was it a mistake. 

Continually pear-shaped

So new food does end up coming up, and working on the fly, which used to be my specialty, just doesn't work.  I still need to figure out a routine that's going to work for me, too.  I'm still not getting enough protein, either, but at least it's not a disgusting experience for me. I am also feeling much more full of energy, and my sex drive came back, and though I haven't started exercising, I feel like I probably could.

I have this plan that this summer I'll start playing tennis and working out with my friend Dani in Maryland, and the prospect of it is exciting.  I just wish I had a better hold on consistency. I still have bouts of food-inspired nausea, sleepiness or random sickness after eating -- but I don't ever know WHEN it's going to happen and it does tend to mess up my day-to-day plans.

Regardless, my weight loss and the arrival of summer, swimming, and all of the happiness that sunshine brings me makes me feel full of hope and promise!